Helping One Another Date Well

Helping One Another to Date Well in the Christian Community

1. What are the main problems, difficulties and dysfunctions of the dating scene, particularly amongst Christians, from your perspective?
2. What attitudes, actions and practices do you think would make for healthier environment within the church for men’s and women’s relationships and dating?

Wisdom in Dating

The Bible says nothing explicit about dating for the simple fact that no such thing existed in the ancient near east.  However, the Bible says plenty about relationships, singleness, sex and community and what it says on those subjects have plenty of implications regarding how to date wisely in our current cultural setting. The Biblical Position on dating is that it is to be done in a Holy way – a way that honors God. We are to take responsibility for ourselves (our thoughts, attitudes, feelings and actions) in our dating practices.

1. God grows us through the experiences of life.  

God grows people up through dating relationships in the same way he grows them up in many other life activities. The question is not whether or not you are dating.  The questions are more along the lines of “Who are you in your dating and who are you becoming in your dating?  What is the fruit of your dating for you and for the people that you date?   How are you treating them?  What are you learning?  And a host of other questions and other issues the Bible is very clear about. It is mainly your character growth and how you treat people.   Cloud and Townsend – Boundaries in Dating

1. The goal of Marriage and the goal of Dating are the same.

1. While one hopes dating will lead to marriage, the goal should be larger than that: the goal is to be mutually building up one another. This goal remains once you have married. If the goal is just marriage and the relationship does not achieve that, then you are likely to come to the conclusion that the relationship was just a waste of time or something worse. But if your goal is not so self-oriented, you are free to enjoy the other person and build them up.  Even if things don’t work out, you will be able to say that it was worthwhile.  We can subordinate the desire for marriage to the desire to edify.
2. Impressing the other person is our usual approach. But this, of course, is a self-centered pursuit. The kind of person who you should want to be with is a person who looks out to the interests of others above their own.  That is also the kind of person you should want to be. It is such people that have life-giving marriages.
3. Experiencing disappointment and pain are inevitable.

1. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.― C.S. Lewis
2. Regret need not be part of the experience.  As long as we conduct ourselves in ways that are pleasing to God, we can avoid regret even if we can’t avoid disappointment.

1. Discerning Whether or Not This Could Be the Right Person For You.

1. Intimacy = time + talk + togetherness. (John Van Epp)

Marriage is an intimate companionship in which we journey together through the ups and downs of life before the face seeking to live a life that matters.  The way you determine whether a person is able to join you in that calling is a product of time (generally at least a year to know a person – there is no short cut), talk (self-disclosure of history, values, beliefs, etc.) and togetherness (seeing each other in a wide variety circumstances: with family, the cashier, the socially awkward person, while traveling, while tired, when things aren’t going their way, etc.)

1. Getting the Right List

Everyone has a list of the attributes that he or she is looking for in a life partner.  The critical issue is getting the list right.  Some items are non-negotiable.  Others have to do with fit. (See Exploring Marriage Syllabus: Qualities necessary for a Flourishing Marriage by Jeff White).

Also, never marry potential (every person has potential to control their anger, speak with kindness,  be spiritually mature, etc.) because, sadly, potential is very frequently not realized.  You should be prepared to be married to and stay married to the person as they are now.

1. Banish the idea of “finding your soul mate.”

While finding someone with whom you have chemistry is important for a healthy relationship, there is no perfect soul mate for you.  There are numerous people with whom you could possibly have a very good marriage, given you’re the willingness of both of you to put in the required work.  Of course, each of those persons will be flawed, as are you.  You don’t so much marry a soul-mate, you make one!

No man, however truly he loved his betrothed and bride as a young man, has lived faithful to her as a wife in mind and body without deliberate conscious exercise of the will, without self-denial. Too few are told that - even those brought up 'in the Church'. Those outside seem seldom to have heard it. When the glamour wears off, or merely works a bit thin, they think they have made a mistake, and that the real soul-mate is still to find. The real soul-mate too often proves to be the next sexually attractive person that comes along. Someone whom they might indeed have very profitably have married, if only --. Hence divorce, to provide the 'if only'. And, of course, they are as a rule quite right: they did make a mistake. Only a very wise man at the end of his life could make a sound judgment concerning whom, amongst the total possible chances, he ought most profitably to have married! Nearly all marriages, even happy ones, are mistakes: in the sense that almost certainly (in a more perfect world, or even with a little more care in this very imperfect one) both partners might have found more suitable mates. But the 'real soul-mate' is the one you are actually married to.  -- JRR Tolkien

Remember also that while chemistry draws people together, character keeps chemistry alive.

1. Dating Playbook

Our current dating practices are clearly not working.  They are unsatisfying and broken. There are frustrations on all sides.  It is critical that we turn the heat down.  Yes, we have fears (Will I ever get married? What if I get rejected?), anxieties (Biological clock is running down), and expectations (I need “this” kind of a person).  But if we let these things dominate, then we sabotage the process.

1. Spend time in group settings with others. This brings out who people really are.
2. Remember to make having fun, getting to know & enjoy the other person and building them up central.
3. Allow yes to be your general default when being asked out on a date.
4. That being said, if someone says no, don’t persist in asking the person out.
5. Be willing to go out on more than one date with an individual.
6. Don’t move to exclusivity too quickly.
7. Agree to maintain honesty in the relationship.
8. Most people you date, you are not going to marry. Adopt that mentality to take the pressure off.
9. Be aware that you cannot avoid disappointment and pain in pursuit of a companion.
10. Be committed to the peace and unity of the Body of Christ when things don’t work out as planned.

Dating and Sex

1. The Bible is clear that full sexual intimacy is reserved for marriage.  In this act we are saying “I belong completely and exclusively to you.” Sex is profound.  It is the antithesis of casual.
2. Sexual longings are more than an appetite that must be fulfilled.  They tell us that we were built for others and for intimacy.
3. Ultimately sexual longings point us beyond people and to God himself who will bring final fulfilment and satisfaction to us.
4. The guidelines for physical engagement: Does it fit the stage of the relationship and does it have the effect of building up the other person?
5. Obeying God in this admittedly difficult area while dating is indicative of your ability to obey God in far harder areas if in fact you do get married.

Discuss with others:

1. What did you find to be most helpful from the talk that was given?
2. What aspects of what was presented did you find to be realistic or unrealistic?
3. As we continue to strive to create an environment of healthy relationships between men and women at Redeemer Downtown, what questions or concerns do you want to voice to?

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